A Letter To Paityn

The past 24 hours have been a been a roller coaster of emotions. From time to time Landon gently and tenderly expresses concerns with Paityn or my time home with her. I promise him when he tentatively starts that he needs to feel more free to talk to me, and that I won't get my feelings hurt. And I mean it! But then four hours later, I've been in bed unable to sleep, sadly researching milestones for a 14 month old to see if our daughter's doing ok.

I frequently find beautiful posts from other bloggers, that reassure me that I'm doing great, I'm doing enough, and that this is the most precious job in the world. Buoyed up by those posts, I find greater joy from my time with our daughter and excitedly talk about future baby #2. Then a little conversation with my husband unravels me. I feel stupid for even contemplating another baby and pinning all of those maternity pictures, I can't even take care of one. The concerns that were brought up were simple, but they hit me to the core. I'm sure you've been here. Moms I'm not alone, yes? Here are a few thoughts, from my heart, to my little one.

Dear Paityn:

Your dad and I love you so, so much. When we lay you down at night we talk about how sweet you are. When we play with papa + mimi, the conversation easily turns to how we all adore you. Kelsey, Kyrsten, Grandma + Grandpa watch videos of you daily up in Alaska, always writing me back saying how much they love you. You are loved by so many people, but I get to spend the most time with you.20140418-135935.jpg

I'm sorry for the times that I feel so bored being home with you. I used to love the feeling of being busy, and am learning to love simple days. I still have a way to go. I want to be better at fighting the urge to busy myself on the laptop and to love time with you more.

You have such sweet breath! I just don't naturally think about brushing your teeth. In full disclosure the only reason I brush my teeth is to have minty breath. Having never had a cavity, I don't know the pain associated with having a tooth drilled. I would never want you to go through that. I'll try to be better at making sure I brush your teeth every morning.

Walking down the busy road to the park scares me. I've grown in a lot of ways since having you, but I need to grow some more. I'm sorry that my imagination runs wild, and that it keeps us home in the house all day. When I was a teenager babysitting other children I would have crippling fear of even playing in the yard outside. I'm doing better! But please be patient while I figure this all out. I'd like to think that if we lived in a cute suburb with windy sidewalks, we'd go for walks every days. We would, right?

I'm sorry I don't like to play with toys. That's just not me. I don't even like toy stores. We have the basket full of little things for you, but you have other things you like around here more anyways -- my makeup, the printer, and playing peekaboo behind anything and everything. I see the way Mimi + Papa play with you, and you just light up. I want to be more like that. But I'm quieter. Softer. My perfect day with you is time together, talking if necessary. I love that we understand each other, but it makes me sad that it worries dad. You'll be fine, yes? We don't have to talk so much?

I didn't realize til I started writing this how much being a mom to you has, and is, making me grow. The next thing that gives me anxiety is food. I was doing great that first year when you were here and we were breastfeeding. I could eat whatever I wanted and stay at a tiny 120 pounds. But I've slowly added on 8 or so pounds, which makes me uncomfortable. It makes me not like thinking about food, so dad cooks most of our lunches and dinners. I'm working on loving food again, and the science of nutrition. I know you have needs, and I'm sorry I haven't done better about learning what those are.

You're waking up from your afternoon nap, so I'll wrap things up here, with optimism that we'll figure this all out. To be continued when I've learned more about you?

Love, Mom

PS: this morning, I clicked on this article, which ended up being just what I needed, enjoy SOURCE